OK if your even remotely squeamish about talking lady parts-disengage now! AND I’m also gonna use very colorful language because honestly this situation called for the use of my extensive profane vocabulary.
AND I just have to share this story because when I told Frank he almost fell out of his chair laughing so it must be good!!!
For whatever reason I have never had an MRI of my pelvic region, I would assume most people never have. Right? Well apparently when your body makes little tunnels from your colon to wherever the hell it wants to an MRI is the best way to see said tunnels also known as Fistulas (plural) or fistulae (singular) I have the plural kind 🤒. So when my Mayo GI doc said it was a necessity I said, ok-sure do whatever you think-give me the works.
Perhaps I should have read up on it before presenting myself wide eyed and uninformed LOL. I thought it’s a few minutes in the tube, no big deal.
Let me set the picture for you. I entered the MRI suite butt naked but for my thin little gown (why does every hospital gown come in child’s small or men’s 4XL and nothing in between?) the wonderful tech told me to hop right up on the table. So far pretty standard, I’ve had a crap ton of brain MRI’s not my favorite but doable.
So I had two lady techs on either side of me, umm ok. The tech on my right let’s call her Judy and the tech on my left, Lindsey. So Judy hands me a very soft small blue tube and tells me to insert into my vagina, umm huh? She explains that they need to insert a special gel into my nooks and crannies to see my special tunnels (see Crohns being the asshole that he is decided I needed another hole not only in my ass area but also in my lady landscape as well).
I tried, I tried like mad to get that limp little tube up “there” to no avail. I turned to Judy and asked if she had something more rigid-I hear a loud male snort/cough from behind the curtained window in the “suite” apparently there was a room full of gentleman behind me (when I say room full I mean like 2) LOL. ANYWAY Judy says sorry Hun, nope that’s all we have! OK so finally after a few “stabs” and balancing on the narrow little table – success! WooHoo it was in!
Ready to go! Wait, why was Lindsey still standing there? I turn to my left and she hands me another f’ing little placid tube. Yup, you guessed it this one had to go right up my asshole!
I looked at Lindsey and asked how the hell was I supposed to stick a wet noodle up my rectum? These were not your standard medical tubing, they seriously were like cooked pasta!!!! I handed it back to her and said-you do it! 😂
OK, tubes were all in place-Finally!
I will say I felt completely justified since Lindsey had to work pretty dang hard to get that thing in position. 😜
Now picture Judy and Lindsey on either side of me tubes taped in place, they both bring out these really large syringes of blue goo. I mean these were like horse insemination size syringes. I just looked at them and said “number 1 I know I’m a big girl but there’s no way that amount of gel is fitting up there and number 2 we have tubes the diameter of a spaghetti noodle – do you see the problem? I’m gonna be here forever” !
AND I was, it took 47 minutes to fill me up! Finally after 30 minutes in the tube I was done! I had blue snot dripping all over that bazillion dollar machine! I about stroked out when Judy walked back into the room and handed me a panty liner to hold me over till I could walk down the hall thru the waiting room of other gowned victims to the bathroom to clean up. I sent her back to the supply closet for a grown up diaper-tut sweet!
In their defense both Judy and Lindsey were great and the two boys behind the curtain came out to check on me and help me off of the slimy little slab! It was gross but apparently effective, we now know where all my tunnels lead!